I hadn’t realized Zane was finished until he sat the cup in front of me. He followed my line of sight as I looked away from the chair he’d been sitting in about six months ago when he held me as I cried. I closed my eyes, pushing that thought away. That girl was broken. She was damaged. That wasn’t me. Not anymore.
“Lili,” he whispered, and I cringed.
“Don’t call me that,” I said automatically, letting out my breath in a rush as the realization of what I’d said struck me. I opened my eyes, grabbing the mug. “Sorry.”
“What do you mean?” he finally asked as I sipped slowly on the hot liquid. It burned on the way down but I ignored it, needing the excuse not to answer that question.
“Just an automatic response. I’m fine,” I answered, blowing off what was happening.
“Would you stop fucking saying that?” he snapped, causing me to jump a little.
Startled, I kept my eyes on the mug but neither of us moved as we waited for the other to take the next step. Finally, I lowered the glass to the table.
“What would you like me to say? Hmm?” I knew I should stop, walk away now and not make this worse, but I no longer cared. “You want to know why I told you not to call me that?” I looked up, meeting his eyes. “Because I’m. Not. Fucking. Her. I’m not that girl.”
“Yes, you are—“ he started but I cut in before he could finish.
“No.” I laughed but the sound was hollow. “No, I’m not. You see this face and you think I’m her but I’m not. You’d be closer to the truth if you called Kaitlyn by that name.”
He flinched back from the name and I waivered, the part of me still able to feel guilt worming her way back in as I watched his expression.
“I should go,” I said, shoving myself up and away from his grip as he reached for me. I felt out of control and that was one thing I couldn’t handle these days.
“No. Fuck. Don’t leave. I just…” He stood, pacing away from me for a moment and locking his hands behind his head. Everything about him was familiar, from the line of his back to his mannerisms, to his frustrations. All of it was calling out to a part of me I wanted to find again but I didn’t know how. My eyes burned and I knew I was about to cry. I wasn’t ready for this. I’d thought I could handle it, I’d pushed myself to go to the roof and try with Zane because I knew I loved him. I love him so much. But I didn’t know how to do it anymore. I couldn’t seem to keep ahold of myself, of who I used to be. I was lost.